Sunday 4 November 2012

A Grand Day “Out”


Last Wednesday I spent the whole day dressed as a woman. My garments of choice for the hot Melbourne day were a black shoestring strap singlet, a low sitting short black and white tartan skirt, and a pair of lace-up knee high black boots. Going for a natural daytime look, I used a little black eyeliner across the top eyelid and from the outside corner to just short of the middle of the lower lid. I also used a little light brown eyebrow pencil just to define my brows. It really is amazing how some brow pencil - even without any other make-up - can really lift the whole face.

Anyway, I was meeting a friend for coffee. It was in a reasonably fashionable/open-minded area, and it was mid-morning, so I figured I might be able to get a park pretty close to our agreed meeting place. Therefore I figured that it might be a relatively safe way for me to “dip my toes” into the pool of being female in public. As an afterthought I realised it was Halloween, so I had that excuse up my figurative sleeve if any strangers took issue with my attire.

From my house to the agreed location is only a five minute drive. If I wasn’t wearing a skirt, I would have ridden my bicycle. I was astonished at how many men stared at me in that short trip. The “male gaze”. As someone who loves cars and is attracted to women, I’m well aware of the attractiveness of a girl behind the wheel of a classic car. However, to the heterosexual males out there: there’s a difference between a look, smile and/or nod of appreciation, and just solidly staring with a completely blank face, or lecherously leaning out of your car window. You should be WATCHING THE ROAD!!! It’s very intimidating. Perhaps moreso for me than for a woman because of the male propensity to switch from admiration of a woman to extreme hostility when they realise that I am not entirely female. Nevertheless, for me it’s pretty cool to “pass” so easily.

So the friend I was meeting up with is someone I’ve known for a long time, but only recently discovered we have more than pleasantries to share. As such, she has seen me perform in bands over the years and has therefore witnessed my sometimes flamboyant dress code, but was unaware that I may have any actual gender stuff going on. A big thanks to her for not saying anything at first, and just treating it as the catch-up it was. Another big thanks to her for later commenting on how good she thought I looked, which then lead into a brief discussion of transgenderism. That comment gave me a great boost and gave me the strength and the comfort to continue wearing this outfit when I later went to Uni that same day.

The walk from my car to my first destination on campus was the big hurdle in my mind. After that it would be short trips from building to building. Hardly enough time for anyone to notice anything unusual. I also visited my friend who works in the campus bookshop. A number of the people who work there exclaimed that I “pull that look off way too well.” I think they thought it was an Halloween thing, not realising that there is more to it.

After that it was home again. Just near my place there’s an hairdresser I’ve been saving up to visit. There was a park out the front so I stopped. I was feeling stronger, more comfortable, more motivated from these modest yet monumental successes of the day. I did some quick calculations to see if I could afford to strike while the iron is hot and with a guesstimate answer of “probably”, I strode inside. Apparently I’m not their first transgender client, and we had a great chat. It was especially cool that when I was asked how I have been doing my hair previously, I said that I’ve had a DeathHawk for at least ten years - “you see, I’m into old school Goth” that’s when The Damned’s ‘Grimly Fiendish’ started playing over the salon speakers. Couldn’t have timed it better! After discussing styles and ideas, I booked an appointment.

Then, back home where I didn’t care to change out of my outfit at all. I was feeling comfortable and somehow kinda ‘right’. I wanted to go for a ride, but I couldn’t ride in a skirt. So I changed into a pair of stretchy women’s exercise shorts. Then I got nervous about wearing the very feminine singlet I’d been wearing all day. You see, the standard ride I go on goes through some less than open minded areas, and the bike track follows the road. I eventually decided that I had to spend the whole day as a woman or I would be dissatisfied later when I would inevitably say to myself I spent *most* of the day as a woman. 

After a lovely 25km ride, it was back home for dinner and some T.V. whilst I mounted my car stereo speakers in the new kick panels I have fabricated. (just gotta get around to putting them in the car now!). My evening finished by curling up in bed with a copy of Fred Puhn’s “How to make your car handle” until I fell asleep.

All in all, I would have to say it was a day which offered stiff competition to Wallace and Gromit’s own “Grand Day Out.”

Friday 5 October 2012

Revelations

I don’t owe anybody anything. The work I have done on the car has made me realise that the majority of my life is still ahead of me. I have been too focussed on what has passed and what I have missed. Since I was in my late teens or early twenties, all I have been able to see are the obstacles. Since that time, I have felt like my life is over and now I am just waiting to die. As I wrote in a song when I was about 22:
“I had hoped for higher spite but other others hit, I have missed”.
That’s me saying I’ve lost direction which has lead to a lack of inspiration and passion, it’s too late to remedy, thus my life is effectively over.
And yet as I write this, I am filled with a mounting fear. I am so defined by my bitterness, and my music is so heavily infused with spite that I fear to let go and look forward positively. I hate therefore I am. My bitterness keeps me vigilant against insipid fashion, my anger fuels my war on complacency.
I have realised that the greatest source of anxiety, the largest obstacle in my mind in regards to writing and more particularly performing my music live - without which I have had less drive to write - is the prospect of logistically organising a band again. In truth, I felt like everything that went right previously was in spite of the other members. I felt like their behaviour lay somewhere between passive inaction and willful resistance.
As such I have resolved to investigate the possibility of performing live on my own. It probably means more work on the face of it, but once dealing with the herding of cats is introduced to the equation, I think that learning some software, and preparing live shows like a stage producer actually comes out looking a LOT less stressful.

Getting back to the car thing. I have three cars, though only one is currently registered. The first “Binky” is a 1964 Peugeot 404 which I paid $1000 for, the second is a 1970 Peugeot 504 which I paid $350 for, the third is a 1985/6 Peugeot 505 which I paid $700 for. I also have a factory original 1986 Peugeot 505 petrol turbo engine and gearbox waiting to go into the 505. This *rare* little set-up cost me a whopping $1700. So all up we’re looking at just under four grand. There are many interesting cars I could have, of considerably greater value than those I do have, if I hadn’t specifically chosen basic forms of employment which would allow me the time and flexibility to pursue my musical ambitions, and if I hadn’t spent every single spare cent on musical equipment, tuition, rehearsal facilities, recording studios, and everything else that goes along with it.

After considering these facts for some time, I have come to the conclusion that the prospect of making a living out of music whilst still achievable, is perhaps best seen as a potential bonus, rather than a necessary goal. After all, I don’t have kids to feed (that ain’t gonna change on my watch), and I do have a roof over my head and food in my belly. Sure more money would make life more comfortable. Perhaps with more money I wouldn’t second guess myself every time I went to turn the heater on “am I really cold enough to justify the cost?”. But at the end of the day, I’m fed and dry. Therefore, it seems a bit stupid to try to claw back any losses by selling a cd at gigs for ten bucks, or even (once I get my head around itunes) selling my songs for 99 cents a pop online. Without becoming hugely successful, any such sales are really only going to be a token compensation for the ways in which I have chosen to spend my life and money, energy and soul hitherto. What did I want out of music anyway? Oh, that’s right, I hoped to earn enough money to keep a roof over my head and food in my belly, whilst writing and producing music that spoke to others  the way The Sisters of Mercy spoke to me. Therefore, in order to maximise the potential for exposure and reaching the most possible listeners, I would be better off to take the costs on the chin and provide everything online for free.